Capac1ty

Him <3

Well this is me. You either like me or you don’t, either ways great tends to go if you don’t like me I probably don’t like you either. My life and mind are both completely fucked right now. I had one of the best yet worst days of this year so far. I figured out something’s which I wish I hadn’t but I’m glad I have because now I know how to deal with it kinda. I’m in so much pain, physically and mentally, I hurt all the time and now it’s getting worse.


That memory in my mind, our first conversation, the first eye contact, the first time we spoke, that awkward eye contact, the first time you came to my house, all those times you’ve been here for me, everything you fucking do. It’s all perfect to me, even your imperfections they still bring a smile to my face, you brighten my day, my year, my whole life. Everything you do, all the times we talk or I think about you or when people talk about you I get butterflies but it’s not just aww cute little butterflies in my tummy, it’s more like an Amazon rainforest & the animals are making my heart also skip beats. The way you talk, the way you laugh, when you wink at me, the fact you’re weird with me, I’m completely myself around you and I love it! I can’t seem to get you out of my mind or train of thought, something either reminds me of you or you creep in there, into my thoughts and I smile. I mean this past week, after I found out how you truly Frelimo you’ve been all I can think or talk about. I love coming to college just to see you, watch you pull silly funny faces at me, watch you grin and call me a tit when I make stupid silly mistakes, I can’t get enough of the cuddles you give me, the big cuddly bear hugs you give me, the ‘wanna fight’ wars we have, I just never wanna say goodbye at the end of the college day, yeah we text but it’s just not the same, maybe one day we won’t have to say goodbye, one day I hope it’s ‘race you back to mine’. You always make me smile and laugh, you turn me into this soft cutie mush and that I don’t do, I for like cute mushy shit, I’m too hardcore for that haha, you’re seriously amazing. So amazing that I smile when we talk, text or I hear your name, I smile when I’m going to sleep and when I wake up the next day, all because you exists and you’re in my life. You make me feel great about myself and I’ve NEVER felt this way about Anybody before believe it or not, thing is though, all this started out as harmless and now it’s gotten more than a crush and you like me back which makes my feelings stronger, this has been here for a year, maybe a little more than that. You truly are special to me, you’re the first person in college who caught my eye and the first person I’ve truly fully & honestly opened up to, I fully trust you and I’d trust you with my life, you’re more protective than my brother and so much better than any other lad has ever been to me. I’ve been hurt a billion times, I’ve loved before but nothing like this.

Two things that suck so much about this though:
1- your girlfriend, that you’re clearly falling out of love with after two years and keep arguing with, yeah you still love her which is fantastic.
2- I’ve realised that I’ve fallen for you. Yes, stupid I know but I can’t help it, I love you and it hurts. It kills me, I’ve never ever felt this way before. Ever. And now I feel something it can’t even work, everything is so complicated. Ugh, why does this have to happen to me? Why now? Why this feeling?
One thing I have to say though is I’m 100% here for you, I fully support any choice you make, as long as you’re happy then so am I. I promise you I’m here for you through everything.

Today 10/10/14 I’ve broken down about 5 times to my mum and best friend, my mums basically my best friend as well, I broke down because I’ve realised that I do foolishly love you and I can’t, I just can’t feel this way, I hate it but I love it because you’re fucking perfect and I just want to kiss you but I can’t and I respect you and your relationship so I wouldn’t. You mean everything to me and you’re always gonna be my best friend no matter what happens.
Yes, I’m gonna tell you how I feel but not that I love you, not yet, maybe never. I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m so scared and I don’t want to life anymore.

People wonder why I have depression and I am bipolar, I think this is because my past has fucked me up, my dad hasn’t helped with how he’s treated me after cheating on mum and now I feel like this for someone I can’t and I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Fuck.

What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in and you kicking me out.✌️

After a year of me being jealous and hoping best for you to be happy you finally open up to me and tell me you&#8217;re not 100% happy with her and you&#8217;ve started to like me. You got jealous of my ex which is adorable. I still like you but I know I&#8217;m not going to wait round forever, not making that mistake again, but I do like you and I don&#8217;t think that&#8217;s going away any time soon. I just want you to be happy, sort things with her or something. Please just be happy.💕

I love talking to you everyday until one of us falls asleep on the other, I can&#8217;t believe how close we&#8217;ve become, day one of when I first saw you in college I never thought you&#8217;d like me this way. I remember our first extra English lesson and I had to leave because of my one year relationship broke up, you waved bye to me and you hugged me the next day we were in college. Gah, thank you for everything. Seriously!!❤️

What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in and you kicking me out.✌️

After a year of me being jealous and hoping best for you to be happy you finally open up to me and tell me you’re not 100% happy with her and you’ve started to like me. You got jealous of my ex which is adorable. I still like you but I know I’m not going to wait round forever, not making that mistake again, but I do like you and I don’t think that’s going away any time soon. I just want you to be happy, sort things with her or something. Please just be happy.💕

I love talking to you everyday until one of us falls asleep on the other, I can’t believe how close we’ve become, day one of when I first saw you in college I never thought you’d like me this way. I remember our first extra English lesson and I had to leave because of my one year relationship broke up, you waved bye to me and you hugged me the next day we were in college. Gah, thank you for everything. Seriously!!❤️

provokatio-n:


I remember how my ex used to do that when she was sad, she sat on my lap and wrapped her legs around my waist and just kept kissing my neck softly and slowly and i stroked her back for like 2 hours without saying anything and that’s all and i really fucking miss her.

The caption hurts me in the heart bit

provokatio-n:

I remember how my ex used to do that when she was sad, she sat on my lap and wrapped her legs around my waist and just kept kissing my neck softly and slowly and i stroked her back for like 2 hours without saying anything and that’s all and i really fucking miss her.

The caption hurts me in the heart bit

(Source: nymphoninjas, via disposableteens-xo)

evruol:

following back similar

evruol:

following back similar

(Source: lushella, via oceans-of-tranquility)